Abusive Partner is your Guru?

"There’s never a mistake in the universe. So if your partner is angry, good. If there are things about him that you consider flaws, good, because these flaws are your own, you’re projecting them, and you can write them down, inquire, and set yourself free. People go to India to find a guru, but you don’t have to: you’re living with one. Your partner will give you everything you need for your own freedom." ~Byron Katie

Friends who have not yet escaped abuse or who are still suffering the psychological ramifications of abuse or mistreatment have got to be railing at this latest one that caught my attention. In fact, even if one has escaped and has attained some degree of peace, even a slight memory might provoke that thing inside that I lovingly call, "The Red Hots."

Abuse is not honorable at all, so if your partner is or was abusive, did Katie's statement catch your attention? If so, keep reading...

Happy to Have Been Locked Away in an Abusive Facility

I am happy to have been locked away in an abusive facility; A now defunct kids helping kids facility that kidnapped, locked up, and abused kids. A place that, by the very definition of abuse, hurt me. It abused my mind, my body, my autonomy, my sense of worth, and my basic trust in the general kindness of human beings. It is fair to say I suffered trauma. And I'm happy to have been there.

Completely and totally true. Bizarre? Maybe. But if it's true, the rest doesn't matter. What might matter, though, is my experience on how I got to this point. By using the most traumatic period of my life as an example of how The Work worked for me, maybe you have a chance at peace with any trauma you may have gone through. Or, if no trauma, then maybe this will serve as hope for even any mild annoyances you might be facing that you'd rather not be.

It is always my goal in this blog, that by sharing my process I can serve as testimony to the amazing power of the 4 Question Inquiry that Byron Katie brought to the world in Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. (And no, you don't even need the book.)

"15 yr old Alcoholic Needs Help!"

When I was 15, I was placed into a "youth residential treatment facility" for alcoholism. The facility employed methods that cult experts would deem cultish. Even if it were not cult-like, it was still abusive.

It did have all the elements of a good abusive cult; separating you from your family and cutting off all contact, breaking your own spirit [little s] down to self-esteem nil by shaming, blaming, name-calling, using other brainwashed followers to work on you, hot seat confrontation by other followers, the inability to escape, call, or write for help, guards at the door, peers watching you shower, use the bathroom... And then, on the same hand, telling your parents it's best to have no contact because we're just liars and manipulators anyway. They called it "tough love."

"Adult Alcoholic Now with Trauma Needs Help!"

When I finally got sober in 2003 - thanks to an awesome woman i met in an organization that uses 12 steps -  over a decade of being cult-free, I still listed "this place" on my resentment list for my 4th step. I did this because I still had residual [ignored] - hate that all the alcohol I'd managed to drink still couldn't murder; All the hyper-controlling of food couldn't starve away; All the pets couldn't love away; All the romantic relationships could not save me from. I still had a good solid red hot hate for this place and the events that went on there and the things that happened while in there.

So my 4th Step was successful insofar as it led me into my 5th step and so on... and of course into sustainable sobriety for a few years. But what I would not recognize until 2006 - that is 3 whole non-drinking years later - is that my subconscious mind was hiding memories from my consciousness until I had the tools to deal with the memories it was saving me from. Pretty cool, that mind of ours. [Dis-associative amnesia is what I later learned it was called.]

 

Sobriety Happens. Trauma Still Happens.

And when those memories came flooding in, my subconscious mind had more faith in me than I did because the pain was very painful. In time, I was able to trace back my feelings over instances of violations, victimizations, severe distrust of 'the system,' violent reactions to being cornered, hate over confrontations and controlling personalities, people touching me or coming in too close to my space, and my zealous love for children and animals, the unempowered/dis-empowered, the un-voiced/de-voiced, and the disabled. I traced it back to this place that made Lord of the Flies look like angel food cake.

Enter Byron Katie and The Work

 So there's the story. There are no new stressful thoughts that I can share with you that you do not already know in your own experience. There is no way I am going to convince you of the memories of my pain. There are only two choices: I hurt or I didn't. And for this process called The Work to work in your life, I don't even need you to believe me; In fact I encourage you NOT to. Instead, I encourage you to use this for your own indelibly ingrained trauma. I'll share my answers but you answer yours for yourself.

If you are in pain over any situation in your life, just follow along and in bold blue when I make a statement or ask a question, pretend I am asking you. "The Work" only stops working when you do not answer the questions.

The Thought: "I should never have been put into this teen residential place because was an abusive place and it hurt me." I am going to answer along as honestly and as innocently as I did when it first occurred to me to bring it to Inquiry.

Let's do The Work  

(4 Questions and a Turnaround)

"I should never have been put into this place."

1.) Is that true?

Yes, that is true. I should never have been put into this place. [Now to be honest...before 2006, I was here. But after a little sanity via sobriety & recovery, my truer answer was more like, "Well, I'm not sure."]

2.) Can I absolutely know that to be true?

I cannot absolutely know that to be true. [This is the point where the ego can finally relax in defending its 'right' to be angry, and I can acknowledge that perhaps...perhaps there might be something I am unaware of. There is nothing 'bad' with the ego; It's doing its job perfectly when it defends itself cause that's its job. But if I want to live in happiness, joy, and peace, I have to let my ego take some time off. :) ]

3.) How do I feel, what happens, when I think that thought, "I should never have been put there," (and yet I was)?

[This is the opportunity to let it all out. Let the ego have its way. Keep the pretty language in the trash where it belongs for this one. Get cleansed. Tell on it.] I feel [felt] angry, powerless, and the opposite of autonomous and safe.  I feel [felt] intense anger toward my parents for not knowing what the place was really like. I feel [felt] anger at the doctor who suggested it, and anger at society for allowing it to exist. I hate authority in any form because I see it as a kidnapping agency without a jury to convict. I distrust those around me with my story so I keep it inside. I feel shame, stress, anger, fear, violation, victimization... I feel like God is dead and no one, not even my parents, care.

4.) Who would I be, how would I feel, without that thought?

[This is finally now - my favorite - the question where we can breathe. I meditate on this step and really let my imagination take flight. "Who would I be without this stressful thought?" If this is difficult to do, imagine yourself or remember an incident of happiness in your life... How did you feel BEFORE the stressful thought intruded? This is where we imagine ourselves without this thought. And now, since I really *am* without that thought, having done The Work on it some years ago, this one is in present tense and how I truly do feel. Now please remember, yours may be different.]    

I would feel grateful that there was a place that taught me there was such a thing as 12 steps. I would feel happy that for 4 months my parents had a break from dealing with my alcoholism and other shenanigans. I would feel honored that my parents would spend money on a rehabilitation they thought I was getting. I would feel autonomous and free because I was one of the kids who did not suicide during or after exposure. I would not feel stress or victimized because I would recognize that there were some good people in there who did help me to survive that place without completely cracking up. I would not feel distrustful, shame, stress, anger, violation or victimization.

Now the Turnaround(s): 

[I turn around the original statement I'm holding up to Inquiry and I find - at LEAST three - examples of the turnaround being as true or truer than the original thought. Or even examples that let me off the hook from the pain. This gives me an opportunity to expand my mind to include thoughts my 'pain' never allowed me to consider before now.]

I should have been put into this place.

1. I know this to be true because I was.
2. The doctor who suggested this place had diagnosed me as having alcohol poisoning. Had I not gone into this place, I may've been dead at any moment in the following 4 months I was in there.
3. My body needed a break from alcohol and it's true that nothing less than physical removal from it could have stopped me at that point.
4. While in there, I developed a keen sense of compassion for other peoples' pain.
5. While being taken to school as to what abuse looked like, I knew I would not want to harm people with verbal assaults.
6. I developed a healthy aversion to group-mentality when it does not align with my own Spirit.
7. As an adult, I realize that the ever popular thought of "oh no! teenagers!" does not apply to me. Due to being in this place I advocate for the understanding of all kids & teenagers and they are my favorite people.
8. Due to how I responded while in this place ~ and how it often looked 175* degrees different than other kids ~ I grew into awareness of my HSP [Highly Sensitive Person] status. This would eventually lead me into finding my niche and helping OTHER HSP's.
9. Because of the horrifying model this place used, I know what NOT to suggest to parents who may have a child with a potential drinking problem.
10. This teen residential facility did teach me about 12 step programs at 15 [AA and NA], which subsequently stayed in my memory as for when I would be ready to seek sobriety in 2003.
11. Over a decade later, I would meet other 'former kids' associated with this place, because I was in this place, and I am so grateful to have met them. Some friendships came from it!
12. Had I not been put here I would have graduated HS earlier and not made the friends I DID make that have carried on into the present.
13. I highly doubt I would have made it to college because I was spurred to moving in my Grandmother after 5 years of High School who had the faith in me I needed to think about going to college - which I did! And I LOVED college!

That is almost exactly what it looked like when I originally brought this stressful belief into inquiry. Sometimes the relief comes quickly; Sometimes it feels like nothing happened. BUT in every case and instance in which I have taken a painful thought to Inquiry, something amazing has always happened in every single instance: I find, that without even thinking or looking, that I haven't necessarily let go of any thought but that the stressful thought has let go of me.

Do not be concerned if 'all of a sudden' nothing happens. In my more stressful thoughts brought to inquiry, it feels as if nothing has happened. But later when faced with the same thought I have noticed it doesn't feel as familiar or stressful. I'll share one of those examples later and link it here.

The Work - Mom and Dad Divorcing

I wrote this a few weeks ago but was reluctant in posting it. I am not reluctant anymore. If my experience with The Work and the sharing of my practical application can help one person, I'm cool. This had been my sticking point: Can anyone relate with this?

I got a phone call from my Mom today and my HSP saw images of my Dad's face as I watched my phone ring that said "Mom's Cell." I could not answer it and the images would not go away. I sent her a message asking her if I could call her later. Not hearing back and with images of my Dad going through my mind - and not just images, but images and thoughts  - I called her before the time I said I would just to go ahead and settle my thoughts down. It didn't help much except to remove the thought of "He's been in an accident. He is dead."

 

"I thought you said we'd talk at 8:00, honey?"

"Yeah but I did not hear back."

"Oh I sent you a message back."

"You did? I did not get it. Sorry, I have been busy getting ready for the girls."

[My friends and I have a weekly 'girls time' meeting.]

"Yes, I did. It says 17 minutes ago."

"Oh okay. Well is everything alright?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay. Well I'll  call you at 8:00 then."

"That sounds good. You guys have fun."

"Ok, Mom. Are you sure everything's alright?"

"Yeah!" [pause]  "Honey, call me back at 8:00 and have a good time."

"Okay Mom, I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

So I called her at 8:03pm and she told me the news, in a loving & compassionate way, that they had separated. I love her for that. After over 2 decades of marriage, my Dad left to parts unknown and I hear about it 12 days later. I couldn't have asked for a better delivery of this news. Yes, she did it perfectly.

She explained how she'd told my sister before me and how my sister had acknowledged to my Mom I might take it pretty hard. My Dad and I are quite spiritually close, if not in distance or communication for that matter...so I waited for the bad pain. I did. All evening I have been waiting for it and it's not coming. I blame Byron Katie and The Work.

What I have been noticing are the questions in my mind.

1. Where is he? Will I ever see him again? Will he try to contact me?
2. Does he know I love him and I don't care that he left?  
3. Is he safe and happy?

The questions are not stressful at all. I am okay with these questions because in front of them float the possibilities of different forms of freedom. Between Byron Katie's The Work and Don Miguel Ruiz' the Four Agreements, my entire paradigm has shifted.

As far as my Mom goes, I am happy that she shared with me where she was and what was going on. I have peace for my Mom. I have love, happiness, and gratitude for my Mom. She said something so beautiful that I scribbled it down. Like I said, I kept waiting for the pain and when I am in a high-stress or painful situation, my brain has this beautiful capacity to block it out. Not wanting to forget this, I wrote it down as soon as she said it so I could remember - in case I went into a black out.

"I want to get comfortable living in my own skin."

This is a desire of freedom for her. This is a desire I have for her as well as my Dad. I want them comfortable in my own skin, too! I am so happy that this 'pain' I waited for has not come. I slept before I began this next paragraph so it's been overnight and it's still not here. This isn't to say I didn't have some tears a couple times last night... I did. Just tears. Maybe tears of gratitude that my Mom and Dad can both be happy on their new adventure, intermingled with tears of a child-like "Where's my Dad?" and "When will I see him again?"

How Practice of The Work Helped to Prevent Pain

I wanted to share this here because I wanted to show how I credit The Work. I know the old Samsara....[double entendre intended]... The old Samsara would be crying in bed, crumpled in a ball because the images of a world I knew were crumbling; Because in my mind...

1. In my mind, my Dad left my Mom, my Dad left me. 
2. In my mind, my Mom is lonely and I don't want her that way.
3. In my mind, my Dad is in a scary world that will eat him alive.  
4. In my mind, I will never see my Dad again.
   

The reality though is that not one of these is true. Learning to question painful thoughts, I was able to listen to my Mom with a clarified mind and to hear her without the thoughts in my head interfering as they might normally do. So this is the good news. As I practiced the Work on my stressful thoughts, new seeming stress that comes up, isn't as maybe it would have been before!
 

Watch how my mind views the following scenarios now.

1. The reality is that Dad and Mom had left each other quite a while ago. I saw it. I heard my Mom. I saw the stress. I saw the pain. I would discuss it with my sweetheart about how their lives were separate and how I wanted them both happy.

2. My Dad left me. My Mom was so cute last night. She said, "You're standing on your own feet, honey..." and I loved her so much for saying that. Yes, I am an adult. I live some states away. The only way my Dad could have left me would have been maybe if I were still living at home and even then...he did not leave me. I have an image of hugging him right now. See? I just visited him.

3. We discussed it and I was able to hear it: She is not lonely. Physically, my Dad may be gone and she is physically alone living in the house but she is not lonely. I shared with her how my lonely moments can be when I am physically with someone and they are not present. To me, THAT is lonely. She viewed it the same way as I did. So no, she is not lonely.

4. My Dad is out in a scary world that will eat him alive. I don't know where that thought comes from but I did see it float by. Then my mind wants to make the excuse - for this stressful thought  - that he is not healthy. [But because I do The Work, I understand that my mind's job is to defend its beliefs.] I know this is not true because I no longer have the ORIGINAL underlying stressful thought that "The world eats people alive." Therefore, if it does not eat people, it cannot eat my Dad.

5. I will never see my Dad again.  Well that's just a nonsense thought. Not because I may not ever see him again - because I may not. But because what precisely has changed? He went somewhere else. Okay and people do that. What does it mean that I have the thought I will never see him again? Is that a contingency for my love for him? No. Do I expect him to stay somewhere he obviously doesn't want to be all so I can 'see him again?' Again, no. And please see #2, I just saw him again. Do I know he loves me? Yes. I know.

Hopefully this practical application on a real 'my life' episode can give you the faith you might like to begin the process of dissolving your stressful or painful thoughts. It is amazing to me that the more I questioned and did The Work in the beginning, the more I have seen the prevention of thoughts that would otherwise have been painful.

The Reality of Pressure

My beloved and I were talking the other night about the phrase, "Forcing someone to make a choice." He asked me to pick up my cup, as an example. His theory is that I have to make a choice: pick up my cup, don't pick up my cup, knock down my cup, set my cup on fire, a million other things, or even make the choice of pretending i didn't hear his request or ignoring it. "Even that," he argued, "is a choice."

When he asked me to pick up my cup, I picked up my cup. In this, he argued, he had forced me to make a choice and I chose to pick up my cup. My assertion is that yes I heard him and yes I wanted to pick up my cup in order to take a drink from it, but that I was not forced into making a choice; I would have chosen to pick up my cup or not anyway. (We both enjoy logic.)

On a similar topic, a couple of weeks ago, I shared with a friend my belief in "Pressuring someone to to do something" or the "Reality of Pressure" using Byron Katie's ""What's the Reality of Pressure"" video. When I tell the story saying/thinking/believing I was pressured, forced, or otherwise made to do a thing, make a choice, take an action or not, I am assigning myself vulnerable to painful thoughts. Have a look...

Byron Katie Turn it Around Movie

Byron Katie - Turn it Around is a full length movie narrated by Jenny McCarthy. If you want to know more about "Loving What Is," I recommend offering this movie your attention for the next hour.

You can also visit Byron Katie's The Work website and download it for free in low resolution or high resolution and watch it when you want to. Katie makes no qualms about her desire to bring The Work to whomever wants it and I just love that. Click here to download either video version of the "Turn it Around" movie.

[Updated Mar 06, 2012]

How to Approach Byron Katie's 4 Questions

In Facilitating The Work, I expressed Three Components of a Facilitator or Helpful Human Being [or even friend] I find necessary for assisting us in doing The Work. These essentials are : Compassion, Humility, and Clarity. I find these qualities necessary for progress and success in Inquiry because I have had experience with philosophy, religion, psychology or other "change our thought" or "change our lives" processes with people who talked a great talk while having a crooked walk. In other words they lacked integrity. Their external words conveyed in public were not aligned with their internal Spirit [as it manifested externally] in private. Highly Sensitive People seem to have a natural advantage in this area, due to their empathy.

In this post I am going to express Three Components I find necessary for being the one who is performing The Work. Now these are the biggies because we approach The Work ourselves, for ourselves, for benefit of ourselves, and to change our lives for the better. It is not necessary for a teacher to assist us with The Work so the "Facilitating the Work" post can be overlooked or ignored altogether. But because we are the ones doing The Work for and to our own selves, I do believe it to be so important that we clutch, cling, and grasp to the following three qualities as we step into Inquiry.

H.O.W. do we do it?

1.] Honesty - As I approach Inquiry I first have to be willing to take my stressful thoughts to inquiry & then I have to be open-minded enough to find the examples; find the turnarounds. And this is all based in honesty. If I do not desire for my pain and suffering to end and if I refuse to be open-minded, yet I go into The Work, that's not being honest with myself. If I am sick with disease [or dis-ease as I approach The Work] and am suffering, if I am not open-minded enough to consider that a Doctor might be able to help me, or if I am not willing to go in to see the Doctor, or willing to share my symptoms or honest enough to share my real symptoms, or willing to take the medicine, did I really want to be healed? Maybe I really did. But maybe I didn't feel like getting in the car or waiting in the office or spending money on the medicine and I don't trust Doctors anyway. I'll just wait it out. :)

2.] Open-Mindedness - Being open-minded, I have found, comes differently to personalities. I know skeptics who have been beaten into open-mindedness due to pain and I know naturally open-minded personalities. So whichever you are, as long as you approach with open-mindedness it just may work.

3.] Willingness -Willingness is an action. As Katie would say, "War belongs on paper" and "The Work stops when you stop answering the questions." Are you willing to write it down? Are you willing to carry through? Being Honest and Open-minded is of little use if I am not Willing.

That's it. That's how I approach the work and H.O.W. I find it invaluable. Now when I first approached Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life I was angry. Oh yes. I was not finished being a victim and my reasons for suffering were legitimate.  [Legitimate suffering I just said, and it brought a smile to my face. I love my memories.] And for this reason, I would never thrust upon a person these four questions without their HOW. (As it would also break the 3 Components for Facilitators - Compassion, Humility, and Clarity - I believe in.) But what did work for me when was I was ready was the attitude of Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness. These three qualities were taught to me through 12 step programs and I have grown universally friendly with using these qualities when approaching anything that happens in my life, including The Work.