Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Work - Mom and Dad Divorcing

Happy Divorce Mom and Dad
I wrote this a few weeks ago but was reluctant in posting it. I am not reluctant anymore. If my experience with The Work and the sharing of my practical application can help one person, I'm cool. This had been my sticking point: Can anyone relate with this?

I got a phone call from my Mom today and my HSP saw images of my Dad's face as I watched my phone ring that said "Mom's Cell." I could not answer it and the images would not go away. I sent her a message asking her if I could call her later. Not hearing back and with images of my Dad going through my mind - and not just images, but images and thoughts  - I called her before the time I said I would just to go ahead and settle my thoughts down. It didn't help much except to remove the thought of "He's been in an accident. He is dead."


"I thought you said we'd talk at 8:00, honey?"
"Yeah but I did not hear back."
"Oh I sent you a message back."
"You did? I did not get it. Sorry, I have been busy getting ready for the girls."
[My friends and I have a weekly 'girls time' meeting.]
"Yes, I did. It says 17 minutes ago."
"Oh okay. Well is everything alright?"
"Okay. Well I'll  call you at 8:00 then."
"That sounds good. You guys have fun."
"Ok, Mom. Are you sure everything's alright?"
"Yeah!" [pause]  "Honey, call me back at 8:00 and have a good time."
"Okay Mom, I will. I love you."
"I love you too."

So I called her at 8:03pm and she told me the news, in a loving & compassionate way, that they had separated. I love her for that. After over 2 decades of marriage, my Dad left to parts unknown and I hear about it 12 days later. I couldn't have asked for a better delivery of this news. Yes, she did it perfectly.

She explained how she'd told my sister before me and how my sister had acknowledged to my Mom I might take it pretty hard. My Dad and I are quite spiritually close, if not in distance or communication for that I waited for the bad pain. I did. All evening I have been waiting for it and it's not coming. I blame Byron Katie and The Work.

What I have been noticing are the questions in my mind.
  1. Where is he? Will I ever see him again? Will he try to contact me?
  2. Does he know I love him and I don't care that he left?  
  3. Is he safe and happy?
The questions are not stressful at all. I am okay with these questions because in front of them float the possibilities of different forms of freedom. Between Byron Katie's The Work and Don Miguel Ruiz' the Four Agreements, my entire paradigm has shifted.

As far as my Mom goes, I am happy that she shared with me where she was and what was going on. I have peace for my Mom. I have love, happiness, and gratitude for my Mom. She said something so beautiful that I scribbled it down. Like I said, I kept waiting for the pain and when I am in a high-stress or painful situation, my brain has this beautiful capacity to block it out. Not wanting to forget this, I wrote it down as soon as she said it so I could remember - in case I went into a black out.

"I want to get comfortable living in my own skin."

This is a desire of freedom for her. This is a desire I have for her as well as my Dad. I want them comfortable in my own skin, too! I am so happy that this 'pain' I waited for has not come. I slept before I began this next paragraph so it's been overnight and it's still not here. This isn't to say I didn't have some tears a couple times last night... I did. Just tears. Maybe tears of gratitude that my Mom and Dad can both be happy on their new adventure, intermingled with tears of a child-like "Where's my Dad?" and "When will I see him again?"

How Practice of The Work Helped to Prevent Pain

I wanted to share this here because I wanted to show how I credit The Work. I know the old Samsara....[double entendre intended]... The old Samsara would be crying in bed, crumpled in a ball because the images of a world I knew were crumbling; Because in my mind...
  1. In my mind, my Dad left my Mom, my Dad left me. 
  2. In my mind, my Mom is lonely and I don't want her that way.
  3. In my mind, my Dad is in a scary world that will eat him alive.  
  4. In my mind, I will never see my Dad again.
The reality though is that not one of these is true. Learning to question painful thoughts, I was able to listen to my Mom with a clarified mind and to hear her without the thoughts in my head interfering as they might normally do. So this is the good news. As I practiced the Work on my stressful thoughts, new seeming stress that comes up, isn't as maybe it would have been before!
Watch how my mind views the following scenarios now.

1. The reality is that Dad and Mom had left each other quite a while ago. I saw it. I heard my Mom. I saw the stress. I saw the pain. I would discuss it with my sweetheart about how their lives were separate and how I wanted them both happy.
2. My Dad left me. My Mom was so cute last night. She said, "You're standing on your own feet, honey..." and I loved her so much for saying that. Yes, I am an adult. I live some states away. The only way my Dad could have left me would have been maybe if I were still living at home and even then...he did not leave me. I have an image of hugging him right now. See? I just visited him.
3. We discussed it and I was able to hear it: She is not lonely. Physically, my Dad may be gone and she is physically alone living in the house but she is not lonely. I shared with her how my lonely moments can be when I am physically with someone and they are not present. To me, THAT is lonely. She viewed it the same way as I did. So no, she is not lonely.
4. My Dad is out in a scary world that will eat him alive. I don't know where that thought comes from but I did see it float by. Then my mind wants to make the excuse - for this stressful thought  - that he is not healthy. [But because I do The Work, I understand that my mind's job is to defend its beliefs.] I know this is not true because I no longer have the ORIGINAL underlying stressful thought that "The world eats people alive." Therefore, if it does not eat people, it cannot eat my Dad.
5. I will never see my Dad again.  Well that's just a nonsense thought. Not because I may not ever see him again - because I may not. But because what precisely has changed? He went somewhere else. Okay and people do that. What does it mean that I have the thought I will never see him again? Is that a contingency for my love for him? No. Do I expect him to stay somewhere he obviously doesn't want to be all so I can 'see him again?' Again, no. And please see #2, I just saw him again. Do I know he loves me? Yes. I know.

Hopefully this practical application on a real 'my life' episode can give you the faith you might like to begin the process of dissolving your stressful or painful thoughts. It is amazing to me that the more I questioned and did The Work in the beginning, the more I have seen the prevention of thoughts that would otherwise have been painful.