"I Should Know Better!"

Phrases I've heard that are not based in any loving or nurturing embrace of reality  are "I should know better" or "I should have known better."

And if we're not 'punishing' ourselves in this form of verbal assault, we might hear it out loud as little kids: "You should know better," or "You know better than that!"

Why the latter may be worse: Were it not for others saying it to us or our otherwise learning it as a pseudo-valid form of contrition, would we really have ever adopted the belief in the first place? Rather than shaming ourselves into learning some sort of lesson - which is quite insane enough - others are trying to do it (to us STILL) as adults. And the language may vary but it still falls under shame.

In this context, "I should know better," or its twin, "I should have known better," are phrases said in the wake or aftermath of perhaps a series of unfortunate events or something that did not turn out as we'd hoped.

Happy to Have Been Locked Away in an Abusive Facility

I am happy to have been locked away in an abusive facility; A now defunct kids helping kids facility that kidnapped, locked up, and abused kids. A place that, by the very definition of abuse, hurt me. It abused my mind, my body, my autonomy, my sense of worth, and my basic trust in the general kindness of human beings. It is fair to say I suffered trauma. And I'm happy to have been there.

Completely and totally true. Bizarre? Maybe. But if it's true, the rest doesn't matter. What might matter, though, is my experience on how I got to this point. By using the most traumatic period of my life as an example of how The Work worked for me, maybe you have a chance at peace with any trauma you may have gone through. Or, if no trauma, then maybe this will serve as hope for even any mild annoyances you might be facing that you'd rather not be.

It is always my goal in this blog, that by sharing my process I can serve as testimony to the amazing power of the 4 Question Inquiry that Byron Katie brought to the world in Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. (And no, you don't even need the book.)

"15 yr old Alcoholic Needs Help!"

When I was 15, I was placed into a "youth residential treatment facility" for alcoholism. The facility employed methods that cult experts would deem cultish. Even if it were not cult-like, it was still abusive.

It did have all the elements of a good abusive cult; separating you from your family and cutting off all contact, breaking your own spirit [little s] down to self-esteem nil by shaming, blaming, name-calling, using other brainwashed followers to work on you, hot seat confrontation by other followers, the inability to escape, call, or write for help, guards at the door, peers watching you shower, use the bathroom... And then, on the same hand, telling your parents it's best to have no contact because we're just liars and manipulators anyway. They called it "tough love."

"Adult Alcoholic Now with Trauma Needs Help!"

When I finally got sober in 2003 - thanks to an awesome woman i met in an organization that uses 12 steps -  over a decade of being cult-free, I still listed "this place" on my resentment list for my 4th step. I did this because I still had residual [ignored] - hate that all the alcohol I'd managed to drink still couldn't murder; All the hyper-controlling of food couldn't starve away; All the pets couldn't love away; All the romantic relationships could not save me from. I still had a good solid red hot hate for this place and the events that went on there and the things that happened while in there.

So my 4th Step was successful insofar as it led me into my 5th step and so on... and of course into sustainable sobriety for a few years. But what I would not recognize until 2006 - that is 3 whole non-drinking years later - is that my subconscious mind was hiding memories from my consciousness until I had the tools to deal with the memories it was saving me from. Pretty cool, that mind of ours. [Dis-associative amnesia is what I later learned it was called.]

 

Sobriety Happens. Trauma Still Happens.

And when those memories came flooding in, my subconscious mind had more faith in me than I did because the pain was very painful. In time, I was able to trace back my feelings over instances of violations, victimizations, severe distrust of 'the system,' violent reactions to being cornered, hate over confrontations and controlling personalities, people touching me or coming in too close to my space, and my zealous love for children and animals, the unempowered/dis-empowered, the un-voiced/de-voiced, and the disabled. I traced it back to this place that made Lord of the Flies look like angel food cake.

Enter Byron Katie and The Work

 So there's the story. There are no new stressful thoughts that I can share with you that you do not already know in your own experience. There is no way I am going to convince you of the memories of my pain. There are only two choices: I hurt or I didn't. And for this process called The Work to work in your life, I don't even need you to believe me; In fact I encourage you NOT to. Instead, I encourage you to use this for your own indelibly ingrained trauma. I'll share my answers but you answer yours for yourself.

If you are in pain over any situation in your life, just follow along and in bold blue when I make a statement or ask a question, pretend I am asking you. "The Work" only stops working when you do not answer the questions.

The Thought: "I should never have been put into this teen residential place because was an abusive place and it hurt me." I am going to answer along as honestly and as innocently as I did when it first occurred to me to bring it to Inquiry.

Let's do The Work  

(4 Questions and a Turnaround)

"I should never have been put into this place."

1.) Is that true?

Yes, that is true. I should never have been put into this place. [Now to be honest...before 2006, I was here. But after a little sanity via sobriety & recovery, my truer answer was more like, "Well, I'm not sure."]

2.) Can I absolutely know that to be true?

I cannot absolutely know that to be true. [This is the point where the ego can finally relax in defending its 'right' to be angry, and I can acknowledge that perhaps...perhaps there might be something I am unaware of. There is nothing 'bad' with the ego; It's doing its job perfectly when it defends itself cause that's its job. But if I want to live in happiness, joy, and peace, I have to let my ego take some time off. :) ]

3.) How do I feel, what happens, when I think that thought, "I should never have been put there," (and yet I was)?

[This is the opportunity to let it all out. Let the ego have its way. Keep the pretty language in the trash where it belongs for this one. Get cleansed. Tell on it.] I feel [felt] angry, powerless, and the opposite of autonomous and safe.  I feel [felt] intense anger toward my parents for not knowing what the place was really like. I feel [felt] anger at the doctor who suggested it, and anger at society for allowing it to exist. I hate authority in any form because I see it as a kidnapping agency without a jury to convict. I distrust those around me with my story so I keep it inside. I feel shame, stress, anger, fear, violation, victimization... I feel like God is dead and no one, not even my parents, care.

4.) Who would I be, how would I feel, without that thought?

[This is finally now - my favorite - the question where we can breathe. I meditate on this step and really let my imagination take flight. "Who would I be without this stressful thought?" If this is difficult to do, imagine yourself or remember an incident of happiness in your life... How did you feel BEFORE the stressful thought intruded? This is where we imagine ourselves without this thought. And now, since I really *am* without that thought, having done The Work on it some years ago, this one is in present tense and how I truly do feel. Now please remember, yours may be different.]    

I would feel grateful that there was a place that taught me there was such a thing as 12 steps. I would feel happy that for 4 months my parents had a break from dealing with my alcoholism and other shenanigans. I would feel honored that my parents would spend money on a rehabilitation they thought I was getting. I would feel autonomous and free because I was one of the kids who did not suicide during or after exposure. I would not feel stress or victimized because I would recognize that there were some good people in there who did help me to survive that place without completely cracking up. I would not feel distrustful, shame, stress, anger, violation or victimization.

Now the Turnaround(s): 

[I turn around the original statement I'm holding up to Inquiry and I find - at LEAST three - examples of the turnaround being as true or truer than the original thought. Or even examples that let me off the hook from the pain. This gives me an opportunity to expand my mind to include thoughts my 'pain' never allowed me to consider before now.]

I should have been put into this place.

1. I know this to be true because I was.
2. The doctor who suggested this place had diagnosed me as having alcohol poisoning. Had I not gone into this place, I may've been dead at any moment in the following 4 months I was in there.
3. My body needed a break from alcohol and it's true that nothing less than physical removal from it could have stopped me at that point.
4. While in there, I developed a keen sense of compassion for other peoples' pain.
5. While being taken to school as to what abuse looked like, I knew I would not want to harm people with verbal assaults.
6. I developed a healthy aversion to group-mentality when it does not align with my own Spirit.
7. As an adult, I realize that the ever popular thought of "oh no! teenagers!" does not apply to me. Due to being in this place I advocate for the understanding of all kids & teenagers and they are my favorite people.
8. Due to how I responded while in this place ~ and how it often looked 175* degrees different than other kids ~ I grew into awareness of my HSP [Highly Sensitive Person] status. This would eventually lead me into finding my niche and helping OTHER HSP's.
9. Because of the horrifying model this place used, I know what NOT to suggest to parents who may have a child with a potential drinking problem.
10. This teen residential facility did teach me about 12 step programs at 15 [AA and NA], which subsequently stayed in my memory as for when I would be ready to seek sobriety in 2003.
11. Over a decade later, I would meet other 'former kids' associated with this place, because I was in this place, and I am so grateful to have met them. Some friendships came from it!
12. Had I not been put here I would have graduated HS earlier and not made the friends I DID make that have carried on into the present.
13. I highly doubt I would have made it to college because I was spurred to moving in my Grandmother after 5 years of High School who had the faith in me I needed to think about going to college - which I did! And I LOVED college!

That is almost exactly what it looked like when I originally brought this stressful belief into inquiry. Sometimes the relief comes quickly; Sometimes it feels like nothing happened. BUT in every case and instance in which I have taken a painful thought to Inquiry, something amazing has always happened in every single instance: I find, that without even thinking or looking, that I haven't necessarily let go of any thought but that the stressful thought has let go of me.

Do not be concerned if 'all of a sudden' nothing happens. In my more stressful thoughts brought to inquiry, it feels as if nothing has happened. But later when faced with the same thought I have noticed it doesn't feel as familiar or stressful. I'll share one of those examples later and link it here.

How to Approach Byron Katie's 4 Questions

In Facilitating The Work, I expressed Three Components of a Facilitator or Helpful Human Being [or even friend] I find necessary for assisting us in doing The Work. These essentials are : Compassion, Humility, and Clarity. I find these qualities necessary for progress and success in Inquiry because I have had experience with philosophy, religion, psychology or other "change our thought" or "change our lives" processes with people who talked a great talk while having a crooked walk. In other words they lacked integrity. Their external words conveyed in public were not aligned with their internal Spirit [as it manifested externally] in private. Highly Sensitive People seem to have a natural advantage in this area, due to their empathy.

In this post I am going to express Three Components I find necessary for being the one who is performing The Work. Now these are the biggies because we approach The Work ourselves, for ourselves, for benefit of ourselves, and to change our lives for the better. It is not necessary for a teacher to assist us with The Work so the "Facilitating the Work" post can be overlooked or ignored altogether. But because we are the ones doing The Work for and to our own selves, I do believe it to be so important that we clutch, cling, and grasp to the following three qualities as we step into Inquiry.

H.O.W. do we do it?

1.] Honesty - As I approach Inquiry I first have to be willing to take my stressful thoughts to inquiry & then I have to be open-minded enough to find the examples; find the turnarounds. And this is all based in honesty. If I do not desire for my pain and suffering to end and if I refuse to be open-minded, yet I go into The Work, that's not being honest with myself. If I am sick with disease [or dis-ease as I approach The Work] and am suffering, if I am not open-minded enough to consider that a Doctor might be able to help me, or if I am not willing to go in to see the Doctor, or willing to share my symptoms or honest enough to share my real symptoms, or willing to take the medicine, did I really want to be healed? Maybe I really did. But maybe I didn't feel like getting in the car or waiting in the office or spending money on the medicine and I don't trust Doctors anyway. I'll just wait it out. :)

2.] Open-Mindedness - Being open-minded, I have found, comes differently to personalities. I know skeptics who have been beaten into open-mindedness due to pain and I know naturally open-minded personalities. So whichever you are, as long as you approach with open-mindedness it just may work.

3.] Willingness -Willingness is an action. As Katie would say, "War belongs on paper" and "The Work stops when you stop answering the questions." Are you willing to write it down? Are you willing to carry through? Being Honest and Open-minded is of little use if I am not Willing.

That's it. That's how I approach the work and H.O.W. I find it invaluable. Now when I first approached Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life I was angry. Oh yes. I was not finished being a victim and my reasons for suffering were legitimate.  [Legitimate suffering I just said, and it brought a smile to my face. I love my memories.] And for this reason, I would never thrust upon a person these four questions without their HOW. (As it would also break the 3 Components for Facilitators - Compassion, Humility, and Clarity - I believe in.) But what did work for me when was I was ready was the attitude of Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness. These three qualities were taught to me through 12 step programs and I have grown universally friendly with using these qualities when approaching anything that happens in my life, including The Work.

Article: Can These Four Questions Change Your Life?

On April 19, 2010 an article appeared on Oprah's website entitled Can These Four Questions Change Your Life? by Caitlin Flanagan.

Caitlin had been suffering - in the literal sense of the word suffering - with a diagnosis of cancer. She was bald from the chemotherapy and scared to death of her unquestioned thoughts. So she went to see Byron Katie after seeing Katie on Oprah:

In her darkest hour, Byron Katie—now a spiritual mentor to millions—discovered that life isn't half as painful as we make it. With the help of four simple questions, she shows Caitlin Flanagan how to stop suffering and start getting real.

This article is a beautiful testament to how simply questioning our thoughts can bring us clarity and I appreciate Caitlin for sharing her story. The article is poignant and had all the qualities I look for in an honest review. And I invite you to read the article for yourself and let me know what you think!

The Work - Four Questions and a Turnaround

When people hear the term "The Work" I imagine sweat, blood, and tears are at the top of their thoughts. But thankfully, I'm not into sweat, blood, and tears unless I've been driven to do "The Work" because of unquestioned thoughts.

The Work is the easy part. It's the saving grace part. It's the alleviation of suffering part. So with that said, when you're ready to end your suffering, let's get to The Work and here it is:

Four Questions and a Turnaround

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Then we turn the thought around and find at least three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true or truer than your original thought.

That's it. Easy.

Because I want to keep this blog in digestible pieces, I will be exploring and offering examples as well as my own thoughts up for analysis. I believe if we can witness real live examples of this process, it gives us courage and understanding to engage the process ourselves.

I discovered The Work from Byron Katie's book, Loving What Is. In it, she takes live examples and puts them to the Four Questions and Turnaround. This is the process she calls The Work. I encourage you to put up a copy of the book if you've not done so already! Then read it. Then test it by doing the work yourself. Then read it again. And again. For me, this is how it became almost second nature to question the thoughts I would otherwise hook into that would create my suffering. Until next time, have a reality!