Harm is Nothing More than Belief

Byron Katie teaches that "Thoughts aren't the problem. Believing them is the problem."

The problem with this, to the Mind, not familiar with how magical The Work can be, may be great and aplenty.

The problem with this, to the Mind that sits in obeisance to all things Byron Katie, may be nil.

The problem with this, to me (who enjoys Inquiry for the stress alleviation of Mind and who loves Katie just for her mere being), is that it's an All/Nothing proposition with the assertion that Harm does not exist outside of Mind.

Traumatic Violations and the Prevention of Healing by the Lizard Brain

Lizard Brain doing its job.

Today I'm going to look at violations related to sex or gender as the vehicle for doing The Work. I am also going to associate that with physical and psychological violations, period; Primarily, how and why survivors of trauma have so much tied up with these deeply ingrained patterns and issues of violation.

Whether it's rape, molestation, shame producing sex (forced prostitution, sex slavery, or hoping he or they would like you...), or other versions of sexual harm; Whether it's sexually motivated violations or violations based on your gender, if you have feelings of shame, violation, self-hate, victimization, anger or any version of suffering wrapped up with that; Even if you were the only one sexually violating or exploiting your own body, the purpose of this post is to begin a Mind Shift toward the willingness of releasing yourself from suffering.

When I first began reading Loving What Is, before I knew Byron Katie as more than just an author, I threw it across the room. My Lizard Brain, that had taken over in hypervigilance in keeping me safe, was now in charge.

If You Want Sympathy, It Always Hurts

In this post I am going to look at this statement accentuating my remembrance as someone who's experienced what PTSD feels like, what trauma feels like, and what my relationships with unhealthy people looked like.

This quote stirred some controversy when it appeared on Byron Katie's facebook page last year and I began to start to write about it.

This post will be about looking at her statement / quote / status: Anytime you find yourself wanting sympathy, you’re trying to get someone to join you in your mythology. And it always hurts.

I look at some of these quotes or statements through a lens of my remembrance; When my Mind wasn't exactly friendly toward me and I needed help; When seeking this help through The Work required a bridge of compassion that I did not have from myself or - what I perceived - from others.

So if I can help offer a bridge for others in the same position, this is my message today.

Abusive Partner is your Guru?

"There’s never a mistake in the universe. So if your partner is angry, good. If there are things about him that you consider flaws, good, because these flaws are your own, you’re projecting them, and you can write them down, inquire, and set yourself free. People go to India to find a guru, but you don’t have to: you’re living with one. Your partner will give you everything you need for your own freedom." ~Byron Katie

Friends who have not yet escaped abuse or who are still suffering the psychological ramifications of abuse or mistreatment have got to be railing at this latest one that caught my attention. In fact, even if one has escaped and has attained some degree of peace, even a slight memory might provoke that thing inside that I lovingly call, "The Red Hots."

Abuse is not honorable at all, so if your partner is or was abusive, did Katie's statement catch your attention? If so, keep reading...

The Work - Mom and Dad Divorcing

I wrote this a few weeks ago but was reluctant in posting it. I am not reluctant anymore. If my experience with The Work and the sharing of my practical application can help one person, I'm cool. This had been my sticking point: Can anyone relate with this?

I got a phone call from my Mom today and my HSP saw images of my Dad's face as I watched my phone ring that said "Mom's Cell." I could not answer it and the images would not go away. I sent her a message asking her if I could call her later. Not hearing back and with images of my Dad going through my mind - and not just images, but images and thoughts  - I called her before the time I said I would just to go ahead and settle my thoughts down. It didn't help much except to remove the thought of "He's been in an accident. He is dead."

 

"I thought you said we'd talk at 8:00, honey?"

"Yeah but I did not hear back."

"Oh I sent you a message back."

"You did? I did not get it. Sorry, I have been busy getting ready for the girls."

[My friends and I have a weekly 'girls time' meeting.]

"Yes, I did. It says 17 minutes ago."

"Oh okay. Well is everything alright?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay. Well I'll  call you at 8:00 then."

"That sounds good. You guys have fun."

"Ok, Mom. Are you sure everything's alright?"

"Yeah!" [pause]  "Honey, call me back at 8:00 and have a good time."

"Okay Mom, I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

So I called her at 8:03pm and she told me the news, in a loving & compassionate way, that they had separated. I love her for that. After over 2 decades of marriage, my Dad left to parts unknown and I hear about it 12 days later. I couldn't have asked for a better delivery of this news. Yes, she did it perfectly.

She explained how she'd told my sister before me and how my sister had acknowledged to my Mom I might take it pretty hard. My Dad and I are quite spiritually close, if not in distance or communication for that matter...so I waited for the bad pain. I did. All evening I have been waiting for it and it's not coming. I blame Byron Katie and The Work.

What I have been noticing are the questions in my mind.

1. Where is he? Will I ever see him again? Will he try to contact me?
2. Does he know I love him and I don't care that he left?  
3. Is he safe and happy?

The questions are not stressful at all. I am okay with these questions because in front of them float the possibilities of different forms of freedom. Between Byron Katie's The Work and Don Miguel Ruiz' the Four Agreements, my entire paradigm has shifted.

As far as my Mom goes, I am happy that she shared with me where she was and what was going on. I have peace for my Mom. I have love, happiness, and gratitude for my Mom. She said something so beautiful that I scribbled it down. Like I said, I kept waiting for the pain and when I am in a high-stress or painful situation, my brain has this beautiful capacity to block it out. Not wanting to forget this, I wrote it down as soon as she said it so I could remember - in case I went into a black out.

"I want to get comfortable living in my own skin."

This is a desire of freedom for her. This is a desire I have for her as well as my Dad. I want them comfortable in my own skin, too! I am so happy that this 'pain' I waited for has not come. I slept before I began this next paragraph so it's been overnight and it's still not here. This isn't to say I didn't have some tears a couple times last night... I did. Just tears. Maybe tears of gratitude that my Mom and Dad can both be happy on their new adventure, intermingled with tears of a child-like "Where's my Dad?" and "When will I see him again?"

How Practice of The Work Helped to Prevent Pain

I wanted to share this here because I wanted to show how I credit The Work. I know the old Samsara....[double entendre intended]... The old Samsara would be crying in bed, crumpled in a ball because the images of a world I knew were crumbling; Because in my mind...

1. In my mind, my Dad left my Mom, my Dad left me. 
2. In my mind, my Mom is lonely and I don't want her that way.
3. In my mind, my Dad is in a scary world that will eat him alive.  
4. In my mind, I will never see my Dad again.
   

The reality though is that not one of these is true. Learning to question painful thoughts, I was able to listen to my Mom with a clarified mind and to hear her without the thoughts in my head interfering as they might normally do. So this is the good news. As I practiced the Work on my stressful thoughts, new seeming stress that comes up, isn't as maybe it would have been before!
 

Watch how my mind views the following scenarios now.

1. The reality is that Dad and Mom had left each other quite a while ago. I saw it. I heard my Mom. I saw the stress. I saw the pain. I would discuss it with my sweetheart about how their lives were separate and how I wanted them both happy.

2. My Dad left me. My Mom was so cute last night. She said, "You're standing on your own feet, honey..." and I loved her so much for saying that. Yes, I am an adult. I live some states away. The only way my Dad could have left me would have been maybe if I were still living at home and even then...he did not leave me. I have an image of hugging him right now. See? I just visited him.

3. We discussed it and I was able to hear it: She is not lonely. Physically, my Dad may be gone and she is physically alone living in the house but she is not lonely. I shared with her how my lonely moments can be when I am physically with someone and they are not present. To me, THAT is lonely. She viewed it the same way as I did. So no, she is not lonely.

4. My Dad is out in a scary world that will eat him alive. I don't know where that thought comes from but I did see it float by. Then my mind wants to make the excuse - for this stressful thought  - that he is not healthy. [But because I do The Work, I understand that my mind's job is to defend its beliefs.] I know this is not true because I no longer have the ORIGINAL underlying stressful thought that "The world eats people alive." Therefore, if it does not eat people, it cannot eat my Dad.

5. I will never see my Dad again.  Well that's just a nonsense thought. Not because I may not ever see him again - because I may not. But because what precisely has changed? He went somewhere else. Okay and people do that. What does it mean that I have the thought I will never see him again? Is that a contingency for my love for him? No. Do I expect him to stay somewhere he obviously doesn't want to be all so I can 'see him again?' Again, no. And please see #2, I just saw him again. Do I know he loves me? Yes. I know.

Hopefully this practical application on a real 'my life' episode can give you the faith you might like to begin the process of dissolving your stressful or painful thoughts. It is amazing to me that the more I questioned and did The Work in the beginning, the more I have seen the prevention of thoughts that would otherwise have been painful.

The Reality of Pressure

My beloved and I were talking the other night about the phrase, "Forcing someone to make a choice." He asked me to pick up my cup, as an example. His theory is that I have to make a choice: pick up my cup, don't pick up my cup, knock down my cup, set my cup on fire, a million other things, or even make the choice of pretending i didn't hear his request or ignoring it. "Even that," he argued, "is a choice."

When he asked me to pick up my cup, I picked up my cup. In this, he argued, he had forced me to make a choice and I chose to pick up my cup. My assertion is that yes I heard him and yes I wanted to pick up my cup in order to take a drink from it, but that I was not forced into making a choice; I would have chosen to pick up my cup or not anyway. (We both enjoy logic.)

On a similar topic, a couple of weeks ago, I shared with a friend my belief in "Pressuring someone to to do something" or the "Reality of Pressure" using Byron Katie's ""What's the Reality of Pressure"" video. When I tell the story saying/thinking/believing I was pressured, forced, or otherwise made to do a thing, make a choice, take an action or not, I am assigning myself vulnerable to painful thoughts. Have a look...

Byron Katie Turn it Around Movie

Byron Katie - Turn it Around is a full length movie narrated by Jenny McCarthy. If you want to know more about "Loving What Is," I recommend offering this movie your attention for the next hour.

You can also visit Byron Katie's The Work website and download it for free in low resolution or high resolution and watch it when you want to. Katie makes no qualms about her desire to bring The Work to whomever wants it and I just love that. Click here to download either video version of the "Turn it Around" movie.

[Updated Mar 06, 2012]

You are Not Living Up to Your Full Potential!

You are not living up to your full potential are you? I know I am. I know I am living up to my full potential right now as my heart beats and I have no question.

Or maybe I'm not. And I am okay with that too. Am I a slacker? Or maybe I'm lazy. Or maybe I'm stupid. Does it matter?

White People Are Scary

Are white people scary? Are black people scary?

Katie addresses a woman and her belief that "white people are scary." I love how Katie shares with the woman, "I am not afraid of your fear." This is how The Work works. Watch this incredible video and notice the four questions!

Article: Can These Four Questions Change Your Life?

On April 19, 2010 an article appeared on Oprah's website entitled Can These Four Questions Change Your Life? by Caitlin Flanagan.

Caitlin had been suffering - in the literal sense of the word suffering - with a diagnosis of cancer. She was bald from the chemotherapy and scared to death of her unquestioned thoughts. So she went to see Byron Katie after seeing Katie on Oprah:

In her darkest hour, Byron Katie—now a spiritual mentor to millions—discovered that life isn't half as painful as we make it. With the help of four simple questions, she shows Caitlin Flanagan how to stop suffering and start getting real.

This article is a beautiful testament to how simply questioning our thoughts can bring us clarity and I appreciate Caitlin for sharing her story. The article is poignant and had all the qualities I look for in an honest review. And I invite you to read the article for yourself and let me know what you think!

The Work - Four Questions and a Turnaround

When people hear the term "The Work" I imagine sweat, blood, and tears are at the top of their thoughts. But thankfully, I'm not into sweat, blood, and tears unless I've been driven to do "The Work" because of unquestioned thoughts.

The Work is the easy part. It's the saving grace part. It's the alleviation of suffering part. So with that said, when you're ready to end your suffering, let's get to The Work and here it is:

Four Questions and a Turnaround

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Then we turn the thought around and find at least three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true or truer than your original thought.

That's it. Easy.

Because I want to keep this blog in digestible pieces, I will be exploring and offering examples as well as my own thoughts up for analysis. I believe if we can witness real live examples of this process, it gives us courage and understanding to engage the process ourselves.

I discovered The Work from Byron Katie's book, Loving What Is. In it, she takes live examples and puts them to the Four Questions and Turnaround. This is the process she calls The Work. I encourage you to put up a copy of the book if you've not done so already! Then read it. Then test it by doing the work yourself. Then read it again. And again. For me, this is how it became almost second nature to question the thoughts I would otherwise hook into that would create my suffering. Until next time, have a reality!

Byron Katie and Oprah on Soul Series

Byron Katie was on Oprah’s XM “Soul Series” and discussed Katie’s philosophy of 'The Work,' how she got to be the person she is today, and how you can get there, too.

It was a very good series and I was highly impressed with Oprah's tough questions that most people would probably wonder about and that every skeptic would definitely have questions about.

I say skeptic because 'The Work' is not for the faint of heart. I cannot stress this enough. You must go into it with 3 essentials: honesty [with self], open-mindedness, and willingness. (Read the 'About' section of this blog and see what I did with Loving What Is the first time I picked it up! I will definitely delve more on where I come from and how I got to be where I am, too, as this blog progresses).

If, however, you are fighting for your life, your sanity, your serenity, suicidal thoughts, addictions, attachments, your marriage, your lover, your parents, your kids, feel like you're worthless, are going nowhere, are no good or anything even remotely similar and you get to that point...that ONE point where "everything" has failed (God, yourself, your mind, other people, your kids, your spouse, your friends, your brain, your manipulations and machinations, your pleading, begging, your drinking, your drugs, your prescribed drugs, your eating, your facebooking, your blogging, your twittering, your workaholism, your raging)...this is when you are ready.

So with a little more of that said, I think a kind introduction to Katie would be this series. Her personality is such a winner that when I go back over the book I can always temper the [previously at first] seemingly harsh reality of the truths, with her compassionate spirit.

It's in three parts and the quality is amazing!

Byron Katie with Oprah Winfrey on Soul Series #1 Video
Byron Katie with Oprah Winfrey on Soul Series #2 Video
Byron Katie with Oprah Winfrey on Soul Series #3 Video

Introduction to Byron Katie

Byron Katie, or just 'Katie' as she likes to be called, changed my life. She can change yours too.

Her only call to action is 'The Work' which are four questions and a turnaround. That's it.

All that is required is the willingness to do it. You have ended the work when you stop answering the simple questions.

As time permits and as this blog grows, I will be getting into specific examples of how 'The Work' works because I believe that to keep it, I need to give it away. Like Katie does.

This blog is dedicated to her, to you, to the world. I found serenity and peace in my life so it's not particularly for the faint-hearted or the career victim unless you desire for a splendid life. It is for anyone who thinks they have a problem with themselves. [Notice I said 'think they have a problem.'] Yes, Katie has enabled me to embrace reality. And that means there is never a problem. And if this has not blown your mind yet, it will.

Thanks for dropping by. If you have requests for what you would like me to address here, just leave a comment. Until we meet again, have a reality!